If something is troubling you about your current relationship – that might be a red flag. In fact, you might have felt the warning signs for a while – but you might have overlooked it.
Well… when you’re caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, it’s easy to overlook signs that something might be off. Especially in those early stages, people tend to put their best foot forward — but subtle warning signs (or red flags) can still slip through. Ignoring them can lead to bigger issues down the road, including toxic dynamics, emotional damage, and wasted time.
Learning to spot red flags early in a relationship can save you from a world of shit later on. So what can you do if you think there are some rocky signs in your relationship before it’s even got off the ground?
Why Spotting Red Flags Matters
Red flags are signals that something isn’t right — they suggest unhealthy patterns or potential compatibility issues. And often you’ll feel your red flag sensor going off, but you might ignore them because… tits.
And while no one is perfect, certain behaviours and attitudes are indicators of deeper problems that could affect the long-term health of the relationship.
In some situations, these can be a good opportunity to fix things and get your relationship back on track.
But… In other cases, it might be a warning sign and possible time to call it quits.
Why It’s Important to Catch Red Flags Early:
- Saves you time and emotional energy – Yes, you sometimes need to be brave. But ending things early helps you avoid months (or years) of stress.
- Prevents emotional damage – Toxic dynamics can really affect your mental health and self-esteem, which can cause issues with future relationships.
- Helps you set boundaries – Recognising red flags early makes it easier to establish what you will and won’t accept. In some relationships this can help setup the long term rules – but in other cases it might be time to call time.
So what are those red flags to watch out for?
1. Lack of Consistency
If someone is hot and cold — affectionate one day and distant the next — its a big red flag. This cab usually signal emotional unavailability or a lack of genuine interest. And let’s be straight here, consistency is key to building trust and emotional security, especially in the early days.
While many people, men and women, do have fluctuating emotions, being temperamental or unreliable regularly can be a big red flag. Especially if it causes stress or arguments.
Typical signs of inconsistency might include
- They text or call regularly for a few days, then disappear for a week.
- They’re enthusiastic in person but non-communicative over text.
- Their interest seems to fade as soon as you start showing interest.
- They’re passionate and emotional one day but distant or dismissive another.
Inconsistent behaviour often signals that the person isn’t emotionally available or invested in building a stable connection. This can be due to many reasons, such as the fact that they’re unable to manage or regulate their own emotions, they’re stressed or have external factors distracting them, or that they are even unsure about the relationship.
The bets way to handle this form of inconsistency is to get it out in the open as soon as possible.
- Communicate openly — “I’ve noticed you’re sometimes hard to reach. Is everything okay?”
- If they can’t offer consistency, take it as a sign they may not be ready for a serious relationship.
2. Lack of Communication or Emotional Availability
Open communication is essential for a healthy relationship. If someone struggles to express their feelings or avoids talking about deeper topics, it could indicate emotional unavailability or avoidance issues.
- They dodge questions about their past or feelings.
- They give vague answers when you ask about future plans.
- They avoid conflict or shut down when serious issues are raised.
A lack of emotional openness can prevent the relationship from deepening. It also creates an imbalance where you’re left guessing about their thoughts and intentions.
To tackle this, try and encourage open dialogue — perhaps lead with something like “I’d love to understand how you’re feeling about this.”
If they consistently avoid emotional conversations, they may not be ready for an intimate relationship.
3. Controlling Behaviour
A partner who tries to control what you do, who you see, or how you spend your time is showing a major red flag. In fact, this is one of those red flags that can be serious enough to warrant a departure. Controlling behaviour often starts subtly before escalating over time – this might be a little jealousy, or probing you about where you’ve been, what you’ve been doing or even mocking something that you do or the way you are.
Humiliation is a big part of controlling behaviour, and there are numerous ways this can happen. It might be building you up to knock you down, such as telling you you’re awesome one day and then calling you a loser the next. But it can often take the form of public shaming or
This behaviour usually stems from their own deeper insecurity and can quickly turn into emotional abuse or manipulation. In fact, controlling behaviour is often a deep seated issue with roots that often need deeper tackling via some sort of therapy.
Tackle it by being clear that you don’t stand for it.
Set clear boundaries — “I value my independence and need you to trust me.” If this doesn’t work and results in arguments, then it might be worth turning the light on them, “Why can’t you trust me? What is causing your jealousy?”
If you can be direct and honest with each other then the need for control should fade. But if the problem persists, or gets worse by confronting it then its definitely a big red flag and a sign to move on.
4. Disrespect or Criticism
While mocking and disrespect can form part of the controlling behaviour, it can be an issue of its own. Respect is the foundation of any successful relationship, so if someone makes belittling comments or disregards your opinions, that’s a clear sign of trouble.
Examples might include:
- They make fun of your interests or achievements.
- Interrupting or talking over you regularly.
- Talking down to you or treating you as if you need special treatment.
- They dismiss your feelings or tell you you’re overreacting.
They might also shrug off your criticism of this as, ‘”just a joke”. If the term, “you can’t take a joke” is used more often than is comfortable then that in itself is a big red flag…
This form of disrespect erodes self-esteem and creates an imbalance of power in the relationship, which can get worse over time. Once someone accepts this negativity, it can scale quickly and seem like just part of the furniture – but dealing with it early can ensure it doesn’t persist.
Address it directly — make it clear that you don’t think it’s a joke and that if they can’t respect you then the relationship can’t work.
5. Jealousy and Possessiveness
A little jealousy is normal in relationships, we are all human after all. But if it crosses the line into possessiveness, it becomes a problem – and again this is where controlling behaviour starts to become part of the picture.
Common signs of jealousy will include?
- Questioning you about who you’re with or where you’ve been.
- Accusing you of flirting or cheating – often without reason (unless they do have a reason, in which case thats on you…)
- Trying to limit your interactions with other people, especially the opposite sex.
- Getting jealous of friends – especially if you have a long term friend of the opposite gender.
Obviously this ends up spiralling into controlling behaviour and emotional manipulation.
If you can, reassure them. Try not to change your behaviour to accommodate their jealousy and explain that you only have eyes for them. But then if their jealousy persists, it may reflect deeper trust issues that aren’t yours to fix.
Taxi!
6. Avoiding Accountability
Yes, we all make mistakes. And sometimes we fuck up to an extent that we don’t want to admit it. Once, maybe twice, fine. But if someone consistently refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes or always shifts the blame onto others, it’s a warning sign.
And whats more, this can be spotted often from the very first days – maybe even the first date.
Listen out. Did they blame their exes for every failed relationship? Are they still bitter about something someone did, even though it was ages ago and it sounds suspiciously like it might even have had something to do with them?
Maybe they make excuses for their poor behaviour. A lot. It’s always, “I was too tired” or, “You didn’t do XYZ…”, or worse still, “It wasn’t my fault”.
The issue with a lack of accountability is often that they have poor self-awareness, or even that they don’t realise how their actions impact others.
Try to encourage honest conversations and avoid being confrontational. They’ll just get backed into a corner (which won’t be their fault). Ask probing questions, see if they can be steered to realise that it might actually be their fault and to admit it- rather than just saying, “It’s your fault, it’s always your fault!”
This is usually an issue that can be fixed gradually over time – so while it might not be an instant rejection type red flag, it is one to watch.
7. Love Bombing
Ever had someone overwhelm you with attention, gifts, and affection early on in a relationship? Maybe they tell you how awesome you are constantly and flood you with attention. Well, you’ve been love bombed.
Ever seen Baby Reindeer? It’s a bit like that.
This is designed (subconsciously – they’re probably not doing it on purpose) to create a sense of dependency. But, red flag alert, it often precedes controlling or manipulative behaviour.
Some major signs of love bombing might include:
- They say “I love you” within days of meeting (or way sooner than you might expect).
- They want to spend all their time with you – often inconveniently.
- They might flood you with sex or affection and maybe even indulge you more than you thought possible (which might also blind you to the issue).
- They pressure you to make commitments early on, especially moving in, meeting parents or spending money together.
- They shower you with gifts.
The issue is that love bombing creates an artificial sense of closeness and can lead to emotional manipulation. If sex is involved it can get complicated, and as soon as money comes into the picture then it has the potential to get very messy.
The best thing is to try to slow things down. Let them know that they’ve been intense and that you’re finding it a little overwhelming – this should (usually) have the desired effect.
8. Disregard for Your Boundaries
Relationships obviously involve spending time together. But healthy relationships require mutual respect for personal boundaries. So if someone ignores or challenges your limits, it’s a major red flag.
This might be situations where they push you to do things you’re uncomfortable with. Or, as an extension of the love bombing, they dismiss your need for personal space and continue to be intense or overbearing.
As part of this, if you ask for some space, they might even make you feel guilty for setting boundaries or pushing them away.
Now, it’s probably obvious why this is a red flag. If they can’t respect your request for space, they might have other issues with your requests or personal space in future.
In these cases, its best to be direct and explain that you’re not comfortable with their actions, and why.
What to Do If You Spot Red Flags
It’s tempting to overlook red flags, especially if you’re really into someone. And in those early days it can be very tempting to take these as personality quirks and ride them out – surely they’ll get better, Right?
Often ignoring red flags such as these only leads to bigger problems down the line.
So lets recap how to respond:
- Address the behaviour directly – Calmly explain what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel.
- Set boundaries – Make it clear what you’re comfortable with.
- Be prepared to walk away – If they can’t respect your boundaries, the relationship isn’t healthy.
Summing up….
Red flags are not challenges to overcome — they’re warning signs. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and communication. If you notice consistent red flags early on, trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to walk away. Protect your emotional wellbeing and focus on finding a partner who respects and values you.
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